the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Erm…
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
me and the Superbowl rn
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”