I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
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me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.