Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
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Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
See..?
.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.