(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD