I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I did not eat the cake…
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.