The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
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Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
i want the dreams to chase me for once
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.