Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
meow