“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
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M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.