me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
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I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
dutch is not a serious language