My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.