My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I am having an out of money experience.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.