I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
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I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Ladies, why y’all do this?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.