I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
You Might Also Like
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.