I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.