My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
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DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing