I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
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It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack