Intelligence is the new cleavage
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We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
dictator is short for richard potato
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets