Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

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My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.



Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.


I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.


The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.


Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.


I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.


The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.