Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.