Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.