Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Solving a traffic jam
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…