I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]