[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
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Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.