THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
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age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Holy crap this is wonderful
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.