What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
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Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Battery falling down a hole
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
tis the season
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.