the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Guys, I found it.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter