If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
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[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?