If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
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“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary