My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
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Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text