How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
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I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
#parenting
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.