How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
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SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon