How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I feel seen
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
hmmm