My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
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You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Okay
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Why font matters.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.