Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.