You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
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me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.