The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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I like donuts.
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Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry