Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
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ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.