I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Carpe DM
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?