Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
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Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn