A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
There are 2 kinds of twitter.