Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
You Might Also Like
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT