If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…