Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
You Might Also Like
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Where’s my employee discount too?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My what?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses