My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”