*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Worth the read.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man