Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
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*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I think my mom just blocked me
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.