“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
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Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.