“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
You Might Also Like
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Good dog. ❤️
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
sir, my pâté if you please
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.