It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
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The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.