I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
You Might Also Like
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu