Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
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If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Come back with a warrant
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
eggs benadryl