Come back with a warrant
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dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
How it started: How it’s going:
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
E
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?