[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
You Might Also Like
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’m not proud
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse