Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
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Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
The Onion called it…again.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
what it’s like dating me:
me, after any kind of buffet.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.